


with sad steps (the moon climbed the skies)

by spicyomelette



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Junhui!centric, M/M, Onesided!minghui, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 10:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17897012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyomelette/pseuds/spicyomelette
Summary: “Are you in love with someone?” Junhui heard himself asking, though his voice sounded kind of far away.Mingyu looked at him, still smiling that small smile. Junhui decided he hated that smile.“I’m trying to stop,” said Mingyu. “He doesn’t feel the same way.”“Is it working?”Mingyu let out a forced laugh. “I think I’m doing a very bad job at it. It’s hard to fall out of love with someone you see every day,” he said, and Junhui’s heart broke a little hearing that.____Mingyu is in a chronic case of unrequited love, Wonwoo is emotionally stunted, and Junhui’s life is really hard.





	with sad steps (the moon climbed the skies)

The first time Junhui met Mingyu was on a Saturday night in February. It was a slow night, which was reasonable since it was winter and no one wanted to leave the safety of their warm residence for the bone biting cold midnight air if there wasn’t dire need to get something. Junhui was nodding off on his seat behind the cash register when he heard the chime of the door opening, welcoming the man who was stepping into the store. 

The man was very tall, his upper body covered under layers of clothes matched with a pair of dark fitted jeans wrapping his long legs. He wore a red knitted cap and half his face was hidden behind the red scarf that circled his neck. His snow boots made ‘thud thud’ sounds when the man walked, ducking his head slightly in something resembling a nod as he passed the cash register. 

Junhui found himself following the man with his eyes, even after he disappeared into the aisle at the pharmaceutical section. The man approached the counter a few minutes later with a pack of fever-relief patches and a bottle of pain killers. Junhui immediately rang them up and thanked the man for the purchase after giving him his change. He heard a muffled ‘thank you’ as the man took the plastic bag from Junhui’s hand and even though he couldn’t see the man’s mouth, the crinkling of the skin on the man’s eyes told Junhui that he was smiling.

Even long after the man left, Junhui still couldn’t shake off the feeling that for some reason those eyes looked really sad. 

*

 

Juggling university in between working the night shifts at the 24-hour convenience store was more than a little tricky, but Junhui was grateful that he’d been getting by quite fine. Until now, that is. 

His professor’s face looked a little apologetic when he handed out Junhui’s test paper to him after class. Junhui knew full well he’d been doing a poor job in this particular class and if he didn’t manage to get at least 80 percent in the test he was at risk of failing. Junhui couldn’t afford to fail any of his classes. He was on a scholarship that required him to pass his classes with no less than 80 percent. His stomach sank when he looked down at the 60 scribbled on the top right corner of his test paper. 

“I think you should consider getting help from a tutor, Mr. Wen,” his professor kindly suggested. 

Junhui just uttered a quiet ‘thanks’ to his professor and left the class, his test paper felt heavy in his hand. He could afford neither the time nor the money for extra tutoring sessions. While the pay from working at the convenience store was not so bad, it was barely enough to cover the bills since living expenses were so high in the city. He had been living on instant noodles for months now, eating healthier food only once in a while if he had some money to spare for rice and meat. 

He would love to do an extra part time job but Junhui was aware of his limits. His classes mostly ended in the afternoon and his shift at the store was from eleven to six in the morning. The hours in between classes and work were hardly sufficient for doing his homework and catching up on sleep. A second part time job was simply out of the question. So was an extra tutoring session. 

Yet Junhui found himself walking into the Learning Centre on Friday morning, signing up for a once a week tutoring. It was either giving up a few hours of sleep or failing his class. He walked out of the student center building a few minutes later with four fixed, one and a half hour tutoring sessions in exchange of a third of his paycheck. Junhui figured his list of priorities was rather messed up. 

Junhui met his tutor on Wednesday the following week. He had chosen to set his tutoring schedule on Wednesdays since it was his least busy day of the week. Instead of heading to the library to work on his Thursday’s Symbolic Logic homework (the professor always gave them homework for that class. Always.), Junhui found himself making his way to the Learning Center immediately after his last class. 

He rummaged the contents of his backpack for the piece of paper he had received from the lady at the registration desk the previous week, finding it at the bottom along with two pieces of a broken pencil that he never got around to throwing away, a pen cap, and some other equally crumpled papers. He smoothed the paper up to search the name of his assigned tutor (Jeon Wonwoo), and went to the information desk to ask where his tutor’s table was. 

“Excuse me. I have a session with Jeon Wonwoo for Calculus at two o’clock,” said Junhui. 

“Calculus with Jeon Wonwoo? One second,” said the woman on shift. “Alright, Wonwoo is at table fourteen. Over there.” She pointed at the direction of a row of tables at the other side of the room. 

“Thank you.” 

Junhui cautiously made his way to table fourteen, where a guy was already sitting, wire round glasses perched on his straight nose, a book in hand. At least he looked smart, Junhui thought as he approached the guy. He hoped this guy could help him pass his class. 

“Excuse me. Jeon Wonwoo?” 

The guy looked up from his book and Junhui was met with a pair of sharp dark eyes. 

“You’re Moon Junhwi?” 

Junhui never thought he would ever fall in love with someone’s voice before. He proved himself wrong this time, because he found himself falling for Jeon Wonwoo’s voice the moment he heard the other boy speak. 

Wonwoo turned out to be a great tutor. Junhui, after managing to tone down his sudden infatuation for Wonwoo’s voice, found his explanation a lot more comprehensible than his professor’s, though he would never let his professor know that. First Wonwoo asked Junhui to go over a list of things that he didn’t know, which turned out to be a lot more than what he knew. Wonwoo had looked at Junhui with something akin to incredulity on his face. “Why are you even taking this class? Aren’t you a language major or something?” 

Junhui ducked his head apologetically. “Requirement. I’m here on scholarship. And I need to pass all my classes with at least a B minus.” 

Wonwoo tsk-ed. “That makes no sense,” he said. 

Junhui only shrugged. He had thought so too when he was told he needed to take some basic science and math courses as a prerequisite to keep his scholarship. But no one had asked his opinion on this so he thought it didn’t matter whether it made any sense or not since he still needed to take those courses. 

“Alright. So here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll work on the things you’re having the biggest problems with. We’ll start from the basics then move on to the more complex topics. I was notified that you signed up for a one a week meeting with me. I’m afraid we will need to meet more than once a week. I’m free on Tuesdays and Fridays from two to five. At which of those times are you able to meet?” 

“Um. I’m sorry. Neither,” said Junhui regretfully. “I have class until six on Tuesdays and Fridays.” 

Wonwoo frowned. “What about on other days?” 

Junhui shook his head. “I don’t think I can do more than once a week, really. I work part time from Monday to Saturday so I have very limited time after classes to study and do my homework. Besides, I can’t afford the fee.”

The frown on Wonwoo’s face deepened and Junhui forced himself to look anywhere but at his newly appointed tutor’s face. He refused to be ashamed for being in his situation but sometimes it was hard not to feel at least a little bit uncomfortable when circumstances forced him to expose himself like this. 

“What about Sundays? Do you have anything on Sundays?” he heard Wonwoo ask a moment later. 

Junhui looked at Wonwoo this time, feeling a little more than taken aback. 

“I usually sleep on Sunday, if I don’t have more homework to finish,” he answered truthfully. 

“I’m sure you can sacrifice an hour of sleep to study Calculus, can’t you?” 

“I..think so.” 

“Will eleven be a good time for you?” 

“Um. Sure.” 

“Great. We’ll decide the meeting place later. Now show me your midterm test paper.” 

When Junhui made his way to his flat a few streets away from the university an hour later, he felt like a huge burden had just been lifted off of his shoulders and it was a lot easier to breathe. He still needed to work on his Symbolic Logic homework later but he figured it was only a small sacrifice. 

 

*

 

The second time Junhui met him was Wednesday night. He was sitting behind the counter, trying to work on his homework when he walked in. Too absorbed in translating the conditionals and bi-conditionals, he didn’t notice that they had a customer. Only when he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat did Junhui look up from his homework, meeting the sight of the man smiling down at him apologetically. Junhui couldn’t help but think that it was a really nice smile, on a really nice face. 

“Sorry to disturb, but I need you to ring these up,” the man said, and now that his face was not covered by anything Junhui could hear his voice clearly. 

Junhui immediately stood up and bowed at the man. “I’m sorry,” he said, closing his books and shoving them aside. The man placed his purchase on the counter, smile never leaving his face. “No problem.” He eyed Junhui’s books. “Homework?” he asked. 

Junhui nodded sheepishly. “Yeah.” 

“Oh, that’s The Logic Book! You’re taking Logics? Are you a Philosophy major?” the man asked further. 

“No. Education,” said Junhui. 

“Ah. I know a lot of education majors take that class. I’m a Philosophy student. A sophomore,” the man provided readily, and at this point Junhui was convinced that the guy was just too friendly. Not that he minded though. “I’m a junior,” Junhui supplied, thinking he should contribute to the conversation too. “Your total is 12.000 won.” 

The man took out a ten thousand won and two one thousand won bills from his wallet and handed them to Junhui. 

“Thank you,” Junhui said, handing over the man’s purchase. 

“Thanks,” he said, taking the plastic bag from Junhui. “I’m Mingyu.” 

“I’m Junhui,” he said. 

“I’ll see you around, Junhui-hyung,” Mingyu said. 

“Yeah. I guess,” said Junhui as Mingyu gave a small wave at him before walking out of the convenience store. “Most probably when you come back for another purchase,” he added after Mingyu already left. He didn’t notice the pulling of the muscles on his face. When he realized, he’d been smiling for a while. 

And Mingyu did come back. Junhui didn’t have to wait long because the following night he showed up at the convenience store an hour into Junhui’s shift, just a few minutes past midnight. Mingyu flashed Junhui a grin as he made his way to the snacks section. Junhui wondered, curiously, why Mingyu didn’t seem to be bothered by the cold, going out at midnight to the convenience store in the middle of winter just to get snacks. But when Mingyu approached him to pay he didn’t ask and just smiled at the tall man. Mingyu didn’t seem to share Junhui’s hesitancy on asking semi-personal questions, however, because he easily fired question after question while Junhui rang up his purchase. To which Junhui’s answers consisted of various versions of ‘um. Yeah’, ‘not really’, and ‘I guess’. 

Mingyu wasn’t fazed at all. 

“How long have you been working here?” Mingyu asked after he slipped his change into his jeans pocket. 

“A few months,” answered Junhui vaguely. 

Mingyu puffed his cheeks and pursed his lower lip into a really cute pout. “And you have classes during the day, right? Do you get enough sleep?” he asked with a somewhat concerned tone. 

Junhui shifted uncomfortably on his spot and didn’t look at Junhui when he answered, “I try.” 

The next moment he felt a hand on his head, patting gently, and Mingyu was looking down at him with a kind smile. “Don’t get sick, alright, hyung?” 

Junhui was still on a daze long after Mingyu left. 

Years later if you asked Junhui when exactly he started to fall in love with Mingyu, he would probably look back and recall that particular moment. Though had he known then, maybe Junhui would have stopped himself before he got in too deep. Or maybe not. 

 

*

 

His tutor Wonwoo was a unique specimen of human kind, Junhui decided after a few sessions with him. He always acted as if he couldn’t be bothered by the world, never sparing a glance to anything that he deemed not worthy of his attention. He always grumbled at Junhui every time Junhui showed up at the Learning Center or at the café where they met every Sunday that Junhui looked like crap and that it hurt his eyes to look at him. But after that he would ask if Junhui slept the night before or if he’d eaten before going there, which had caught Junhui off guard the first few times. 

Wonwoo had told Junhui to not worry about paying for their extra sessions because he was doing it for free. “Just make sure you pass the class with nothing less than a B or I’ll hunt you down to make you pay for wasting my free time when I could have spent it on video games instead,” he told Junhui.

Junhui had grinned at Wonwoo and nodded. “I’ll do my best,” he said, and the smile he got for that remark was really quite charming. 

Their friendship was a weird one, his and Wonwoo’s. After a few sessions, Junhui didn’t feel like it was merely a student-tutor relationship anymore. It was hard not to like Wonwoo. Despite the scowls and snarky remarks, Wonwoo was smart and endearingly likeable. When they met for their sessions they talked about a lot of things non-academic related. Junhui had told Wonwoo he’d been living alone since he graduated from high school, and had been supporting himself for just as long but he didn’t tell Wonwoo why, and Wonwoo hadn’t asked. He knew Wonwoo was living with his childhood friend. Wonwoo told him that they hadn’t been really close when they were little but Wonwoo’s parents really liked him and had only trusted Wonwoo to move out if he agreed to live with that friend. Wonwoo never actually mentioned the name of that friend and Junhui hadn’t asked. The guy remained as ‘the friend’ every time Wonwoo brought him into their conversation and neither of them seemed to have a problem with that. 

Junhui couldn’t help but notice, however, that Wonwoo brought him up almost every time they met. Most of the time it was merely a passing remark, or sometimes a complaint about ‘the friend’ being this or that, but Wonwoo never mentioned his other friends as often. Granted, he’d told Junhui he didn’t have that many friends, but the point remained. Still, Junhui kept his opinion to himself. 

One day Wonwoo showed up with a thoughtful expression on his face. He didn’t criticize Junhui’s bed hair, nor his crumpled shirt. Instead, he explained the problem that Junhui couldn’t seem to get from his previous class so mechanically he didn’t seem to notice even when Junhui yawned for the tenth time in half an hour. 

“Is something wrong?” Junhui finally asked, giving in to his concern. 

Wonwoo shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. But after that he put his pencil down and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a sigh. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t be dwelling on personal matters while I’m tutoring you.” 

Junhui looked at Wonwoo pointedly. “It’s Sunday and you’re tutoring me for free,” he said. “You could have cancelled today’s session if you don’t feel like teaching me today.” 

“I don’t want to do that,” Wonwoo said with a frown. “I told you I’ll tutor you on Wednesday and Sunday. I always keep my word.” 

Junhui shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”

“I know what you mean,” Wonwoo cut him before Junhui could say anything more. “It’s nothing, really. Can we go back to the main problem now?” 

Junhui shrugged. “Fine.” 

Junhui thought Wonwoo’s main problem was that he had a problem but he refused to admit he did. 

Wonwoo’s mood hadn’t improved when Junhui saw him on Wednesday, but Junhui chose not to comment on that and wordlessly took out his books after sitting down in front of his tutor. 

“I got 83 on the last quiz,” he informed Wonwoo.

“That’s an improvement,” Wonwoo said, a little distracted. 

“Thanks to you,” Junhui said, smiling. 

When they were working on the questions that Junhui hadn’t answered correctly on his last quiz, Wonwoo dropped the question, catching Junhui a little off guard. 

“How do you know if you love someone?” 

Junhui’s hand stilled in the middle of writing down the answer for problem number nine. 

“Huh?”

“How do you know if you love someone?” Wonwoo repeated his question. “How do you know if you’re in love?” 

“Well,” Junhui said slowly, “It’s different for every person. Are you saying you’re in love?” 

Wonwoo shrugged. “How do I know I am if I’ve never been in love before?” It was said somewhat nonchalantly but Junhui could see that Wonwoo was more than a little anxious. Of course, Junhui mentally reprimanded himself, Wonwoo had been brooding over this for days. “Does being bothered when that person starts spending more time with someone else means you’re in love with them?” Wonwoo asked a moment later. 

“It can be,” said Junhui. “Though not necessarily. I was jealous when my best friend started dating, but I wasn’t in love with him. I mean, I love him but not like that. I was just jealous that he doesn’t spend as much time with me anymore.”

Wonwoo frowned. “But your best friend’s a guy,” he said. 

“So?” Junhui asked with raised eyebrows. “What’s the matter if it’s a guy or a girl? As long as you fall in love with the person and not with what they have between their legs I don’t see why it’s a problem.” 

“Are you gay?” Wonwoo asked, more in surprise than in accusation. 

Junhui shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t have any problem with girls, but I don’t want to limit myself by saying I only like girls. You know, keeping my options open?” _Besides_ , Junhui added mentally, _I’m kind of crushing on a guy right now_. 

Wonwoo appeared thoughtful for a moment before nodding. “That makes sense,” he said.

Junhui beamed at Wonwoo. “I hope you’ll figure it out soon.”

“I hope so,” he told Junhui, a weary smile gracing his face. 

 

*

 

Mingyu was in a chronic case of unrequited love. 

Mingyu had made it a habit to show up at the convenience store during Junhui’s shift at least a few nights a week, even when he wasn’t buying anything. He would, as of lately, come in with two steaming cups of coffee from the twenty-four hour coffee shop at the street corner, handing one to Junhui with a smile. When Junhui asked him how he found out how Junhui liked his coffee, Mingyu had grinned and said Junhui just looked like the type that liked his coffee sweet. It was only a few days later when Junhui took a sip from Mingyu’s coffee that he found out Mingyu had the same blend, so it was only a coincidence the first time since apparently Mingyu had gotten Junhui what he ordered for himself. He didn’t call the younger man out on that though. 

“How do you know if you’re in love?” 

Mingyu looked at Junhui with cocked eyebrows at that. 

“Someone asked me that earlier today,” he told Mingyu with a shrug. 

“Well, it’s different with every person,” said Mingyu.

“That’s exactly what I told my friend,” Junhui said, titling his head a little as he looked up at Mingyu curiously. “Then how is it for you?” he asked before he could stop himself. 

Junhui wasn’t sure it was only his imagination when he saw the smile on Mingyu’s face fall before it came back in a flash second. The lingering sadness in those eyes was palpable however, Junhui could almost taste it in the air. 

“Being irrationally happy just from seeing them smile, especially if they smile at me,” Mingyu started, a far away look in his eyes. “Getting worried about every little thing when they’re away. Always wanting to make them happy, even if it’s not with me.” Mingyu turned to Junhui, a small smile on his face. “There’s more, but that’s all I can think of at the moment,” he said. 

Something gripped Junhui’s chest at the sight of Mingyu. Those sad eyes and reserved smile were not for him. And it hurt in a way Junhui never thought it could, more than Junhui ever thought it could. 

“Are you in love with someone?” Junhui heard himself asking, though his voice sounded kind of far away. 

Mingyu looked at him, still smiling that small smile. Junhui decided he hated that smile. 

“I’m trying to stop,” said Mingyu. “He doesn’t feel the same way.” 

“Is it working?” 

Mingyu let out a forced laugh. “I think I’m doing a very bad job at it. It’s hard to fall out of love with someone you see everyday,” he said, and Junhui’s heart broke a little hearing that. 

It was only after Mingyu left – he never stayed past one every time he stopped by, that Junhui realized, just like Mingyu, he was also in a case of unrequited love. His might not be as chronic as Mingyu’s. At least not yet. 

Junhui couldn’t see the difference though. It hurt all the same. 

 

*

 

Junhui lifted his head at the sound of a familiar voice calling his name. He was on his way to the Learning Center. It was five minutes before two on a Wednesday; he had a tutoring session in five minutes. Mingyu was making his way toward Junhui from the opposite direction, a bright grin on his face. 

“Hey, Hyung. It’s great to see you at this time of the day,” greeted Mingyu. 

Junhui laughed hearing that. They always met at the convenience store during Junhui’s shift before, which meant their meetings always happened at midnight. It shouldn’t be all that different, meeting at night or during the day. But it still felt kind of special. If Junhui allowed himself to be a little sappy, he would say Mingyu looked brighter under the sunlight. The smile he offered Junhui was unrestrained and full of delight, as if he was extremely pleased to see Junhui. That thought made Junhui kind of pleased too. 

“Hey,” said Junhui, unable to hide his grin. “Where are you going?” 

“I’m going home. I’m done with classes today,” said Mingyu. “Just had lunch with my friend. What about you?” 

“Ah, I see. I’m going to the Learning Center,” said Junhui. “I have tutoring.” 

“Oh,” Mingyu said, nodding. “Do you have more class after that?” 

“No, I’m done. I need to work on my homework though. But I can do it tonight at work, business is always slow at night during this season anyway. I’m going back to get some sleep when I’m done.”

“That’s good. Get as much rest as you can, alright, Hyung?” Mingyu said. He reached out a hand to ruffle Junhui’s hair. Junhui unconsciously held his breath for the full two seconds that hand was in contact with his head, and silently mourned over the loss when Mingyu let go. 

“By the way, Hyung,” said Mingyu the next moment. “Let’s go out and grab some food sometime?”

“Eh?”

Mingyu tugged at the scarf around his neck to loosen the knot. “We always meet at the convenience store at night. We should hang out during the day too! Don’t friends hang out and eat together all the time? We’re friends, aren’t we? So what do you say? Let’s go when you have a day off?” 

Taken a little off guard, Junhui found himself nodding and stuttering, “That’s…cool.” 

“Great,” Mingyu said, pulling his scarf off before moving forward. The next moment Junhui found his face only an inch away from Mingyu’s neck, the scent of Mingyu’s cologne invading his nose as he gasped in surprise while Mingyu looped his scarf around Junhui’s neck. 

“Wha – what are you doing?” Junhui stammered. 

Mingyu pulled away with a concerned expression. “You’ll get a cold if you run around without a scarf,” he said. “I’m going home now. Stay warm, alright?” He smiled and ruffled Junhui’s hair again before taking off. After a few steps, he turned around and yelled, “I’ll see you later, Hyung!” at Junhui, who stood there still half in a daze. 

Junhui showed up five minutes late at the tutoring and was mentally preparing himself for Wonwoo’s verbal jibe. Instead of telling him off for being late, however, Wonwoo stared and didn’t seem to hear as Junhui apologized for showing up late. 

“Wonwoo? Is something wrong?” Junhui asked, waving a hand in front of Wonwoo’s line of vision after being subjected to his tutor’s blank expression for a while. 

“Um. Nothing,” Wonwoo immediately said as he seemed to come back from whatever dimension he had just been to the minute before. “That’s a nice scarf,” he commented lightly. 

Junhui smiled at him, blushing a little as he fingered the soft fabric a little self-consciously. “A friend gave it to me,” he said. 

Junhui missed the subtle glances Wonwoo threw at him during the whole session. 

 

*

 

Junhui didn’t expect Mingyu to tell him the whole version of his unrequited love story when they eventually went to hang out and eat together, as Mingyu had put it. 

A few days after he had asked, Mingyu brought up the topic of eating out inquiring when Junhui had a day off and could hang out with him. Junhui told him he could do Sunday and Mingyu had beamed and said they were going to have some Japanese food, his treat, and not giving Junhui a chance to refuse before grabbing his purchase and leaving the convenience store half yelling his goodbye to Mingyu without looking back. 

They met at the bus stop near the university after Junhui’s meeting with Wonwoo and took a bus to the Japanese restaurant. The whole bus ride, as he listened to Mingyu ramble about everything under the sun, Junhui mentally reminded himself, repeatedly, that this was not a date. Mingyu was just taking him out as friends. Because friends hung out and ate together all the time, as Mingyu said. Junhui knew that. His problem was that a part of him still wished this were a date even if he knew it wasn’t. 

Junhui supposed it was partly his fault for bringing it up in the first place. 

The restaurant was a nice one. Junhui had half expected Mingyu to take him to somewhere flashy, but he hadn’t. Instead, the place was almost plain, though Junhui wouldn’t actually use that word. It was simply decorated and well lit, and the atmosphere made him feel kind of at home, though he’d forgotten how home felt like so he couldn’t really tell. The food was good, and Junhui thought that was the most important matter above all. He couldn’t recall the last time he ate something as appetizing. 

“This is really good,” he said as he took another bite from his dish. 

Junhui grinned at him. “I know right? This is one of my favorite places to eat. I like taking my friends here.” 

Junhui shouldn’t be upset hearing that remark – He knew he was not special, this was nothing special ( _not a date, not a date_ , he silently reminded himself for the hundredth time). But he did. 

“Did you take him here too? The person you love? You’re friends with him, right?” he found himself asking and immediately regretted he did as he saw Mingyu’s smile falling. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – “ 

“It’s alright,” Mingyu cut him kindly. “I don’t mind talking about it,” he said, smile back in place. “We are friends. He’s actually my roommate. And yeah, I take him here sometimes.” 

“I..see,” Mingyu said, grabbing his water glass and took a sip to cover up his unease. 

“It’s kind of weird that we can still get a long so well despite my feelings for him and the fact that he knew about it.” 

Junhui’s eyes widened at that. He almost spilled his water as he put his glass back on the table. “You mean he knows that you love him?” 

Mingyu smiled tightly at him and nodded. “I told him,” he said. “And I was rejected. He doesn’t like guys. Or he just doesn’t like me like that. I knew he would say no before I confessed, to tell the truth. I thought since I was going to get my heart broken whether I told him or not I should just take the chance. I didn’t regret it. I still don’t. Though it gets a little tricky sometimes, you know, since we’re roommates. But I guess I’ve been doing quite alright.” 

Junhui didn’t know what to say. He wanted to say something, to make Mingyu feel better. But telling ‘I understand’ would be weird, and ‘I’m sorry’ sounded too shallow. It was kind of unfair, Junhui thought, if he was expected to comfort Mingyu for being heartbroken while Mingyu broke his heart. In the end Junhui just stared at his hands on the table and didn’t say a word. Mingyu didn’t seem to mind, however, since a moment later he continued speaking. 

“Our families are close, so we’ve known each other for a long time. We weren’t that close when we were little though. He wasn’t what you’d call a friendly kid back then,” Mingyu said, a small smile on his face as he seemingly recalled his childhood. “We went to the same school, but we hung out with different crowds. Plus, we were in different years. I guess I’ve just been fascinated by him since then, you know. He was grumpy and a little bit of an antisocial, but he was a good kid. And he was so cute too. He moved away when he started university and I didn’t see much of him for a year. Then my mother had me move in with him after I graduated high school since I was going to the same university.”

“I remember how surprised I was when I saw him again. He’s grown a lot. He used to be this scrawny kid, you know. Though I’m not saying I fell in love with his looks. Well, I suppose, among other things.” Mingyu turned to Junhui and gave him a sheepish smile. “He’s just beautiful. And I often forget about what I’m supposed to say when I see him smile. Even now. And he’s still so cute, constantly complaining that it was unfair I got to grow so tall, bullying me to watch super scary horror movies at night with him and snickering every time I scream during particularly scary scenes.” Mingyu shook his head, a fond expression on his face. “He’s so cute.” 

Junhui wanted to tell Mingyu to stop. He didn’t want to listen any more. But somehow his voice got stuck in his throat and he couldn’t say anything while Mingyu went on. 

“It was awkward between the two of us for a while after I told him. We even had a fight one time. I think he sort of resented me for that. Because we were so close, almost like brothers, but then I had to confess and ruin that. But things are getting better now, and I’m still working on sorting out my feelings but at least now we can sit together at the kitchen table having breakfast and not feeling awkward. At first I couldn’t even endure being in the same room with him. That’s an improvement, right?” Mingyu nudged Junhui softly with his elbow. “Hey, why are you making that face when I’m the one being heartbroken?” 

Junhui straightened up and ducked his head to avoid looking at Mingyu in the eye. “I’m sorry. I just – hearing you talking about him..makes me kind of sad, I guess. You love him a lot, don’t you?” 

Mingyu chuckled and threw his arm over Junhui’s shoulders, pulling Junhui flush against his side. Junhui closed his eyes as he was assaulted by Mingyu’s scent, willing his heart beat to calm down because, seriously, this was not the time. 

“I do,” Junhui heard Mingyu say, and Junhui could feel the way his throat vibrated as he spoke. “I try to stop, and sometimes I feel like I can do it. But then he will do something, these little things, and I find myself falling all over again. It’s pointless, to keep trying.”

And somehow Junhui understood what Mingyu meant. Because he had been trying to squash this thing for Mingyu growing inside him, and sometimes when Junhui didn’t see him for a while he thought he could do it. But then Mingyu showed up and smiled at him and Junhui forgot he was trying to get over him in the first place. 

 

*

 

He looked around his small apartment and sighed. The walls had started giving him a claustrophobic feeling lately. Maybe he should paint them a lighter color. And he needed to sort out his things, it’s getting too cramped in here. He turned his attention to the small photo frame on the desk, next to his piles of textbooks. 

It had been five years, Junhui thought. 

His mother looked beautiful in the picture. Well, she _was_ beautiful, even while lying lifeless on her casket during the memorial service. His father looked so young. He was a little older when he died. 

And his brother. 

Junhui sometimes wondered what it would feel like if Fengjun were alive, if he had survived the car accident as well. Would the two of them live together now? It would probably be harder for him, since he would be supporting his brother as well. Junhui might even consider giving up on university. But he bet Fengjun would force Junhui to continue his studies. Junhui believed Fengjun would somehow manage to get a part time job and lie to him about homework and group project so he could go to work. But Junhui bet he would find out eventually, and would get really mad at his brother. At least for a while. But then Fengjun would apologize and demand Junhui to forgive him and Junhui would immediately cave. Junhui had never been able to stay mad at Fengjun for long. On their parents’ death anniversary the two of them would visit their graves together and eat out after that, recalling stories from their childhood, laughing at their mischievousness and crying together from missing their parents. It would still be hard for the two of them, but at least they were not alone because they had each other. 

Junhui let out a shuddered breath and hugged his knees, pressing them close to his chest. Junhui sometimes wished he hadn’t survived the car accident that killed the rest of his family. It was so unfair that he was left alone, having to relive the experience in his nightmares until months after that, having to move from one relative’s house to another’s before finally being old enough to live on his own. Junhui sometimes wished he had died along with his parents and younger brother. Because living on his own was so hard, sometimes he felt like he couldn’t hold on any longer. 

“Hey. What’s up?” he heard Soonyoung’s voice from the other end of the line and Junhui felt a rush of something so strong overcoming him. He really, really missed Soonyoung. 

“Tell me again why I had to go to a university two hundred miles away from where you are?” he said instead of a greeting.

Soonyoung’s laughter was heard from across the line. “It’s one hundred and ninety three miles, Junnie,” Soonyoung said after he finished laughing. “And that’s because you’re a nerd and that university you’re currently studying at offered a full scholarship. And I don’t have as many brain cells as you do so I couldn’t go after you. You remember now?” 

He couldn’t hold back his own laugh hearing his friend’s smartass response, though it came out more like a choked sob. “Shut up, you,” he said. “How’re things right there? How’s Jihoon?” 

“Fine. Everything’s fine. We’re moving in together next week, actually.” 

“Really? That’s.. great. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” said Soonyoung. “Are you alright? Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“I’m fine,” Junhui said, the lie slipped out of his mouth easily from practice. “I just missed talking to you.” 

_“I’m in love with someone but he loves someone else who doesn’t love him back. We’re both so pathetic because we’re hopeless but we can’t just change our feelings and fall out of love. I’m tired, I’m sad. And so, so lonely.”_

Junhui didn’t tell Soonyoung any of that. 

 

*

 

“I like you,” Junhui blurted out. “I kind of love you, actually.” 

This had to be the lamest love confession yet, Junhui thought. Who else would confess their love in a convenience store during his shift and while the other just paid for his purchase anyway? Obviously Mingyu hadn’t seen it coming either, since he was frozen in astonishment after hearing Junhui’s unceremonious love declaration. 

“I’m sorry,” Junhui said immediately before Mingyu got his intention wrong or, worse, freaked out. “I know this is abrupt. And I know you’re in love with someone else so I’m not expecting anything by telling you this. I just, it’s been weighing me down for a while and I just can’t take it on my own anymore. I just want you to know. Because I remember what you said, you know, since I was going to get my heart broken whether I told you or not I should just take the chance.” 

“Hyung...” 

Junhui forced out a laugh and flailed his hand between him and Mingyu above the counter. “It’s alright. You don’t have to do anything about it. I just want you to know. I know it must be hard for you, all this time. I just want you to know that although the person you love doesn’t love you back, there is someone who does. That’s it, nothing more. I hope.. it’s not going to be a problem. We can still be friends, right?” 

Mingyu didn’t answer for a moment, and Junhui blinked furiously to prevent the tears that had started brimming from falling down. 

“Right?” he pressed further. 

“Of course,” Mingyu said eventually. “We’ll always be friends, Hyung.” 

“Good,” Junhui said, making a great effort to pull the muscles on his face and smile at Mingyu. “Here you go.” He shoved the plastic bag containing the snacks Mingyu just purchased into Mingyu’s hands. “You should go back now, it’s getting cold.” 

“Um. Alright,” said Mingyu, shifting uneasily from one foot to another. “I’ll be going.” He seemed hesitating for a while, looking between the counter and the exit before finally turning right to Junhui and offered him a sincere smile. “Thank you, Junhui-hyung. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah. See you later, Mingyu.” 

Junhui felt like a huge heavy rock had been taken out of his chest after Mingyu left. It felt easier to breathe. But he also felt so empty it was almost suffocating. 

 

*

 

Wonwoo looked like he hadn’t had a wink of sleep the night before when he showed up Sunday morning. The funny thing was Junhui was sure he looked just as crappy, since he had indeed not slept at all. He arrived at his place at half past six and didn’t feel like going to sleep at all. Instead, he had sat down and worked on his homework instead. As a result, he was done with all his next week’s assignments and was actually free in between work and classes. It amazed him that being brokenhearted could make him so productive. He almost wished he got his heart broken more often. Almost. 

He laughed when a disheveled Wonwoo sat down across him with a cup of vanilla latte in hand. 

“Hey. Did you get your heart broken too?” he asked unthinkingly. 

“Huh?” Wonwoo looked up from his latte with cocked eyebrows. “Did you just say you got your heart broken?” 

Junhui had his eyes closed, feeling so tired he could feel it in his bones, and nodded. “I did,” he said. He dropped his head onto the table. “I love this guy, you see, he’s really nice. But he’s in love with someone else. But I love him, so I told him. Because I was going to get my heart broken anyway, I should just tell him. So I did. But he loves someone else.”

“Hey.” Wonwoo nudged Junhui on the shoulder. “Junhui, are you alright?” 

“I’m heartbroken, Wonwoo-yah. It hurts,” Junhui mumbled to the table. “I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.” 

Junhui felt a hand on his forehead before hearing Wonwoo say, “Hey, you have a fever. You shouldn’t go out when you’re sick!” 

“Huh? Who’s sick?” 

Junhui was only semi-conscious when Wonwoo helped him make his way back to his apartment, showing Wonwoo the right direction instinctively, without thinking. Wonwoo struggled to keep Junhui upright while trying to unlock the door. He didn’t protest when Wonwoo shoved him onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling while Wonwoo fussed around the small apartment trying to figure out what to do. 

“Do you have cold medicine?” Wonwoo asked while helping him drink a glass of water. 

“I..don’t think so,” said Junhui. “The last time I used it was so long ago. It’s probably expired by now.” 

“Okay. I’ll go out to get some medicine really quick, alright? Just lie down and wait for me. Don’t do anything, alright?” 

Junhui nodded and Wonwoo immediately put on his coat and rushed out of the apartment. Junhui went back to staring at the ceiling. Now that he was focusing on it, his body felt kind of hot, and there was pounding in his head. He sighed inwardly. He supposed he’d got it coming. He had been pushing himself with both work and classes and had been running without enough sleep and healthy food for months. It wasn’t surprising if he fell sick eventually. He was not a robot after all. 

Junhui was still staring at the ceiling when Wonwoo came back. Wonwoo helped him take down the bitter pills and forced him to drink more water. 

“Now get some sleep. I’ll prepare some soup for you,” Wonwoo said after that.

“No. Wonwoo, it’s alright. You don’t have to.”

“Shut up. The sick person doesn’t get a say in this,” Wonwoo snapped, though not unkindly. “Sleep. I’ll wake you up when the food is done.” 

Wonwoo didn’t wait for Junhui’s response before moving to Junhui’s tiny kitchenette across the room. Junhui sighed in defeat and closed his eyes. 

When Wonwoo woke him up, Junhui actually started to feel that he was indeed really sick. It was a little hard to get up into a sitting position with a pounding headache and muscles that felt like jelly, but Junhui managed with Wonwoo’s help. 

“This is not bad,” commented Junhui softly as he took a sip with his spoon. Wonwoo could have done a better job with the seasoning, but Wonwoo didn’t see him as someone who cooked that well, so it was actually good enough. 

“My roommate taught me,” Wonwoo told Junhui. “I don’t really know how to cook.” 

“I can tell,” said Junhui, lifting his head to grin at Wonwoo but it turned out more like a grimace since the headache didn’t approve of the motion. 

“Shut up,” said Wonwoo in mock annoyance. “I don’t cook for just anyone, you know.”

“I feel honored,” said Junhui, managing to offer a smile this time. 

“You should.” 

Junhui wanted to shake his head in amusement but opted against it and went back to his soup instead. 

“Junhui.”

“Hm?”

“You said earlier you got your heart broken. Is it really true?” Wonwoo asked tentatively. 

Junhui waited a moment before answering. “Yeah,” he said without looking up. 

“I’m sorry,” Wonwoo said. 

“It’s alright.” He turned to smile at Wonwoo. “I knew he loves someone else.”

“Even if you knew, you still confessed?” 

“I was going to be heartbroken anyway,” Junhui said with a shrug. “I know it sounds a little selfish if I put it that way, but.. I also wanted him to know so he would feel a little better, in a way. He loves someone else, you see, but they don’t love him back. I’m not hoping he would forget that person and be with me or something like that. But I wanted him to know that I love him, you know, even if the one he loves doesn’t. I’m not sure if other people can see the difference.. but I didn’t do it to make him feel burdened.” 

“No, no, I get it,” said Wonwoo. “So you’re basically saying you confessed to comfort him in your own way, right? Like saying ‘I know it’s hard loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because I love you. But it’s alright, we’ll be fine, so don’t be too sad’?” 

“Well.. kind of.” 

Wonwoo nodded, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Normally I wouldn’t get it,” he told Wonwoo, laughing a little. “I suppose things that happened lately changed my way of thinking.” 

“Hmm. What about you?” asked Junhui. “Did you figure it out?” 

“Huh?” 

“You asked me how do you know if you’re in love, right? So did you figure it out?” 

Junhui never thought he would ever see Wonwoo blush since the guy was more of the type that would scowl and get annoyed if embarrassed. This time Junhui was proved wrong, because he could actually see a faint tinge of pink on Wonwoo’s cheeks as he shifted uncomfortably on his spot. 

“I don’t know if it’s matters now,”Wonwoo said in the end. “I doubt they still feel the same.” 

“It always matters,” said Junhui. “You should let them know.” 

“Even if there’s a chance they no longer feel the same?” Wonwoo asked tentatively. 

“People’s feeling don’t change that easily, Wonwoo. You should tell them or you’ll regret it when they actually move on and you’re left wondering about what ifs and what could have beens.” 

_At least you know they love you at some point_ , Junhui thought. _That is so much better than my case_. 

Wonwoo left after making sure Junhui finished his soup. He offered to stay, but Junhui convinced him that he would be okay on his own, Wonwoo should go and do whatever he was supposed to do. Wonwoo only agreed after demanding Junhui to give him a call if he needed anything and urging him to go back to sleep. 

Later that night, Junhui woke up around one in the morning, freaking out over the fact that he hadn’t called work to let his boss know that he was sick, and noticed that Wonwoo had sent him a text. 

_“You were right. Thanks for the advice,”_ it said. 

Junhui had a smile on his face when he closed the message and scrolled down his phonebook to call his work place’s phone number. 

At least someone he knew was happy. 

 

*

 

Junhui already felt better the next morning. He decided to stay in, thinking it was alright to miss classes for one day. Fortunately there was no quiz today. He didn’t expect Wonwoo to show up at his place on his way to the campus so he was surprised when he opened the door and found the younger standing outside. 

“Wonwoo?” 

“I brought some food,” Wonwoo said in greeting. “I bet you haven’t eaten, have you?” 

Wonwoo slipped into the apartment with ease as Junhui gaped at him from the doorway. 

“You look a little better,” said Wonwoo, placing the food on the low table near Junhui’s mattress. “Do you still have a fever?” 

Junhui placed a hand on his forehead and found it was still a little warm, though his temperature had clearly went down compared to yesterday. “A little,” he informed Wonwoo.

“You should drink more water. Now hurry up, eat and take your medicine after that. I can’t stay, I have a class in fifteen minutes.” Wonwoo set some of the food he brought into a plate, and placed a glass of water on the table as well before approaching Junhui and pulled him forward to sit down. 

“Wonwoo, it’s – you didn’t need to do this,” Junhui said, feeling awed and touched at the same time. 

“Shut up, Junhui. I don’t trust you to take care of yourself,” Wonwoo said, though with less snark than usual. He looked at Junhui and Junhui could actually see that the younger was genuinely worried no matter how nonchalant he tried to sound. 

“Thanks,” Junhui found himself saying softly, almost too soft, and Wonwoo wouldn’t hear it if they weren’t the only one in the room. 

But Wonwoo did and the younger smiled back at Junhui, kind and beautiful, and Junhui thought, _yeah, this guy deserves to be happy._

Junhui obediently ate and took his medicine after Wonwoo left, not forgetting to drink two glasses of water as Wonwoo had told him to. 

Mingyu called him the next day when Junhui was arranging his books, bored out of his mind and finally deciding he was well enough to do some menial task. 

“I heard you’re sick. Are you alright? Is it bad? Did you go to the doctor yet?” Mingyu asked all in one breath before Junhui could say ‘hello’. 

“Oh. Um, it’s just a cold. It’s better now,” Junhui said. 

Mingyu didn’t sound convinced, but after Junhui assured that he was really alright and he was going to work later that night, Mingyu finally relented. 

Junhui shook his head when he hung up, smiling a little thinking if Mingyu was that frantic over someone he considered as a friend, then Junhui could only imagine how overwhelming it would be to his lover. It was a good thing Junhui wasn’t that person then. Or maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better. 

 

*

 

_Of course_ , Junhui thought the moment he saw the two of them stepped into the convenience store, Mingyu fussing over Wonwoo’s hair after he pulled the cap off his head. _Of course_. 

Junhui thought he should be shocked. Or feel betrayed. But for some reason he didn’t. He was surprised, of course, but he didn’t feel the least bit betrayed. No one was betraying anyone here, and Junhui felt like it was his fault for not realizing it sooner. It only made sense after all. Of course ‘the friend’ that Wonwoo always brought up was Mingyu and the roommate Mingyu was in love with was Wonwoo. Junhui had just been too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice the connection between the two. 

Mingyu seemed a little hesitant when approaching the counter, and Junhui knew why so he smiled and lifted his hand to offer a small wave. “Hi,” he said, and was grateful that his voice sounded nothing like how he felt inside. 

Wonwoo who had been looking around turned to Junhui after hearing his voice. The surprise in those eyes was genuine and Junhui couldn’t decide if it was justified for him to feel a little better seeing that, but he did. 

“Junhui.” 

His smile widened at the disbelief in Wonwoo’s voice. “Hi, Wonwoo.” 

Wonwoo turned to Mingyu and asked, “Junhui is the friend you talked about?” 

Mingyu looked between Wonwoo and Junhui in confusion. “You two know each other?” he asked. 

“Wonwoo’s my Calculus tutor,” Junhui supplied. 

“You are?” Mingyu asked Wonwoo in surprise. 

Wonwoo nodded, then he looked at Junhui and his eyes widened for a moment before his expression turned to normal once again. He tugged at Mingyu sleeve, saying “Can you get me some coffee from the shop across the street?” 

“Oh. Okay,” said Mingyu before asking Junhui, “You want something to drink?” 

Junhui shook his head. “Nah, I’m good,” he said. 

When Mingyu left, Wonwoo turned to Junhui. “Hey,” he said carefully. “That person we talked about.. the one you’re in love with, was it Mingyu?” 

Junhui widened his eyes and promptly burst out laughing. Then he shook his head and smiled up at Wonwoo. “No,” he said. “It’s not him.” 

“Really?” Wonwoo wasn’t convinced. 

“Really, Wonwoo. It was a friend from my Symbolic Logic class.”

The relief was noticeable from the small exhale and the way Wonwoo’s shoulders seemed less stiff. Junhui tried his best to appear amused. He playfully punched Wonwoo’s upper arm and grinned. 

“I’m happy for you,” he said. 

Seeing the way Wonwoo’s eyes light up at the sight of Mingyu when he came back with two steaming cups of coffee not long after that, and the adoring smile on Mingyu’s face as he caught Wonwoo looking, Junhui decided the lie was worth it. 

 

*

 

Spring went like a gust of air that year, and with it came the end of the semester. Junhui passed all his classes with moderately decent grades and secured his scholarship for the next academic year. He got an A minus in Calculus, and didn’t wait to call Wonwoo as soon as he found out. 

“Of course,” Wonwoo said from across the line. “You had an excellent tutor.” 

Junhui only laughed hearing that, not bothering to make an objection since it was a fact. Actually it was more funny than pompous, the way Wonwoo said it so matter-of-factly. 

“Thanks, Wonwoo.”   
ui  
Later that day Junh checked his mail and was surprised to find an official letter of notification saying that he was qualified for the foreign language teaching assistant program that he forgotten he had applied for at the beginning of the semester. Junhui decided the day couldn’t get better. 

 

*

 

Junhui left at the end of summer, Mingyu and Wonwoo drove him to the airport. Soonyoung also came to send him off. 

It still hurt a little, seeing Mingyu and Wonwoo together, but Junhui supposed he was doing quite an okay job sorting out his feelings. It also helped that those two were just so sickeningly cute together, Junhui found it a little easier as time passed. He believed leaving the country for a year to be a TA at a university in the US would be the break he needed to start anew, to completely let go. 

As his plane took off from Incheon International Airport, leaving the Korean soil and setting off to cross the Pacific, Junhui closed a chapter of his life story and held his breath for the start of a new one. He re-read the detailed travel and arrival instructions he received before his departure while the flight attendants started to move up and down the aisles offering drinks to the passengers. 

Someone named Joshua Hong from the university would pick him up at the airport when he arrived in Los Angeles. 

 

*

_The numerous feelings that have slowly built up_  
The numerous memories that have slowly filled in  
Bit by bit, I will slowly, slowly forget them.. 

-fin

**Author's Note:**

> Title is inspired by Sonnet 31 from Sir Philip Sidney’s Astrophil and Stella


End file.
